BitDepth#823 - February 28

You're the ultimate party animal and Carnival Tuesday is your playground. So why don't photographers pay any attention to you?
Frontline photo success can be yours
Feathers? Check. Rag? Check. Blackberry? Check. Machel in the background? Check. Carnival Tuesday photo perfection in Fantasy Carnival. Photo by Mark Lyndersay.

It’s the week after Carnival. Just seven days ago, you decked out in your feathered best, wore your best makeup and yet, after scouring all the newspapers and souvenir publications, there isn’t a single photo of you. Not one.

What is this $#*! your dad would neither say nor allow you to in polite company, but it’s what you’re probably thinking, quite possibly out loud.
It’s clear, if you’re wrestling with this dilemma, that you are, impossibly, not a devotee of the popular blog about preparing yourself to be a camera-worthy frontline High-maintenance Overachiever.

I would be remiss if I did not point you to Saucy Diva’s, the key resource for the masquerader in search of far more coverage than they sought when choosing their actual costume.

Since I have your attention, and can claim some experience on the other side of the engagements that lead to masqueraders getting photographed, I feel it incumbent to respond to the many accusing, slightly hurt looks I am blessed with when I do not; in fact, feel particularly moved by your masquerade.

I am an equal opportunity disser when it comes to not taking photos of women in costumes at Carnival. It doesn’t actually matter if you’re gorgeous if you don’t present an attractive photo opportunity.

Let’s start with the most obvious thing of all. Your costume.
It should be obvious, but pick one that suits your body type and emphasises your best assets (or assfulls). The Diva gives authoritative advisories, but let’s just say that bosoms can be emphasised without risking spillage and boots with a bit of lift can lengthen legs without being riskily high-rise.

Photographers, and here I mean me, love to photograph a woman who is confident that she looks good, knows how to demonstrate her beauty without flinging it about like pudding, poses seductively without becoming bawdy and seems to be genuinely enjoying herself. This is really hard to pull off while teetering about on high heels just as your right breast decides it’s a good time to see what’s going on with all this music.

Sure the skinny, tall girls with the big feathered headpieces and capes/wings will get attention but they’re really kind of obvious and even jaded photo editors get tired of seeing these top model contenders.
Know yourself, know what works for you and work it with dignity, grace and confidence and you’ll surely get a snap or two.

Sure you can cheat and be obviously blind drunk and go reverse-limbo low over some equally stoned dude on the ground, but really, there’s only room for one or two of those photos in every publication.
For the absolute final word on this, read the
Diva’s 10 commandments to understand the importance of such tactics, including the “deadly but posh cheesecutter wine.”

Having invested in all this preparation and exactly the right costume, you must now pick your photographer. Ignore the pros. They are looking for art or something and will only waste your time. They tend to have a small bag and one or two cameras around their necks and wear glasses.

You need to play to the photographers wearing canvas vests, shades cocked jauntily on their head with either a massive backpack that’s pulling them backward or a bag with the brand name of a camera on it.

Those are your guys. If they have an obviously fake press pass, you’ve hit the gold mine. This is your passport to Facebook likes and party website fame. When these dudes find you, they’ll fill their memory cards with your images. Score!
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